Jagadish Choreography | kina grannis - stars falling down |

"It's Good to be Alive" - Flash Mob by The Swingers Dance Studio.

Strumming her pain into my fingures

We live in a petty world. And before you know it, it gets pettier and pettier, till nothing but a flaming feeling which burns the best in you is left. What happens when people you know drifts away?

All you want is reconciliation. But the advice given, the comfort offered is all based on the traditional beliefs, even if people know you think otherwise. How can that help me? How do you expect me to look for understanding your efforts in my grief? Or is it me bane thinking otherwise?

I want to hold the memory untained, the words as said and understood. Because that is what matters. The world seems lonely without someone who understood me, my line of thinking and most importantly someone who helped me find my feet and to seek meaning and understanding.

It is lonely because everyone else judges me. Thinks of how ot affects them, what could come of it for them. Because she was never ever angry with me, ever. Not once she has raised her voice, not once has she told me to toe the line. She was happy with whatever i offered, whatever i achieved. 

Life threw so many things at her and yet she held her own and stood her ground. I haven't met a more open minded person and doubt i ever will. She never forced a belief on to anyone. Her world has windows, which didnot have glass or grills but were left open. 

It isn't just all those happy memories. It is also the way she listened to me when i was very depressed. Through my rebellion, through everything she trusted me and encouraged to make my own choises in life.

This is the most painful thing i have written because she more is, but was. And as my tears hit the keyboard, I miss her.

The hushed cataclysm

I live in a world without magic or miracles.
A place where there are no clairvoyants or shape-shifters, no angels or superhuman to save me.
A place where people die and music disintegrates and things suck.
I'm pressed so hard against the earth by the weight of reality, that some days I wonder how I am still able to lift my feet and walk.

TOI melodrama!

24th July 2013, 1:08PM:
"I am gonna be off whatsapp for a while! you can have your break now!"

25th July 2013, 7:15AM:
I have this habit of reading horoscope in TOI every morning and Garfield too. The first this I do every morning as soon i wake up is send her good morning. Today i didn't. I straight away opened the 3rd page of Chennai times and read what was written for 'Gemini'.

My face gave the same expression as Garfield.

4:50PM: "bwaah enough of drama". A text message from her.
I still had the Garfield expression on my face.

A cavalcade

July 22 2013, 3:30 AM
Loud alarm sound broke my train of thoughts and I was vivified from my semi-sleep state. Filled with excitement and nervousness I switched off the other alarms which I turned on last night, just in case. It was cold and drizzling and I felt a new surge of strange high spirited ecstasy. Four days ago, She left to Bangalore with her college mates and there I was sitting in college and talking about movies and songs. Today, I regret liking Tamil movies; I hate Maniratnam and Gautham Menon. I somehow feel they both are the reasons for me writing paragraphs about my life instead of texting her happily after college. I blame them completely.
Bloody liars.

I decided I have to do something profound to escape the friend zone and sweep her off her feet. I love her and i miss her. No proper texting since she left to Bangalore and was having fun with her ‘college friends’ getting drenched in the rain and doing crazy stuff. And meanwhile I was here in Chennai attending dance class and thinking about her, longing to text her but instead I was boring her. Here is the thing about boys, they can flirt, impress, amuse any girl they want but once they start liking someone beyond the kerb, they becomes a humdrum jerk and their magic will not workout. I tried not to be a humdrum and engaged myself with work. My occasional texts to her ended with a “brb” reply. So this is what I was doing those three days: Wake up; good morning text and a short chat saying have fun; dance class; back home by night. After that it was trance; hypnotized by thoughts about her dimples. I just close my eyes and I can see her smiling at me. I approach her and whisper “I love your smile and I love you too” and then its all smoke and I’m lost in the sandstorm.

I look up at the velvety blackness of the sky

And I see stars adorning nights dress so bright

Even diamonds may feel shy

And then I see one

That breaks free and shoots to

I know not where

Oh little star!

Will you take my wish to her who is far

Tell her that I am

Just a little lonely here….

As these thoughts flash through my head while bathing, I come out with the same high spirited ecstasy. I check my watch. It says 3:45AM. After drinking the coffee my mom made, I say bye to my parents and take my backpack and mount my Pulsar 180. I glance at my dad and say sorry without opening my mouth. I lied to him that I am going to a factory in Vellore regarding college work and that Sabari and Manoj sir are accompanying me.

Seriously?  Factory? LOL! I am heading to Bangalore man!!
Almost 350kms!
In bike!
All alone!
For her!

“Is it stupid? Am I mad? “

“Seriously its fucking crazy what you are doing!
Its raining man! Why are you doing this? Get back home!”

“No I can’t go back home! What will I tell my dad?”

“Tell him that Manoj sir fell sick!”

“No dude! I’m going. No matter what! I know this is crazy! And I’m never gonna let my craziness get lazy!”

“You are a jerk! What are you gonna gain?”

“I don’t know. May be nothing. But she has to know that I am ready to do the craziest stuff for her. “

“Do whatever the fuck you want!”.

With that my mind gave up arguing with me and I am riding on NH4 at 85kmph.